Monday, 16 March 2009

• I am feeling

  numb.

  All the things that had been eating at my brain since 2002 have seemed to have found something else to chew on.
  I find this to be somewhat interesting.
  
  Oh there is still some residue left of the post Publix years and this can mostly be seen in the way I act around certain groups of people, but for the most part, internally I've been feeling like good 'ol pre summer of 2001 Isis.
  
  I like this.
  I like this a lot.
  
  It's nice being content. It's nice feeling stable. It's nice going out and meeting new people and not acting like a complete freak.

  While I'm not sure what the reason for the current state of affairs is, I can make an educated guess. For while I still have no money, no real job, a degree I'm doing nothing with, a mother I constantly fear is going to die, a father I constantly fear is going to kill my mother, a mess of a house, a bunch of friends who moved away, grandparents who are only getting older (and therefore who I fear are going to die), an ex-bestfriend I fell in love with and no longer speak to (and then some), and all that other stuff that was "wrong" before the summer of 2001, there is one thing that changed. I stopped caring.
  
  I stopped caring about him. Like I just don't give a shit anymore and that has been completely liberating. And since he was the one that had made me give a shit in the first place, being rid of that mess has seemed to have placed me back in my former position of being the easy going person who, while caring a lot about everything, simultaneously doesn't really care much about nothing, except people dying of course, I think that one is there to stay.
  
  I am me again. And I like it.
  
  It's ridiculous how one person can so completely change who you are and it's ridiculous that I thought that if I somehow kept them around and they were "friends" with me, that that would somehow "fix" all the shit that happened that one year.
  
  And for awhile there I actually thought I had accomplished something. I thought I had made it better. I thought I had gotten my dignity back. Afterall, he said I'm his best friend, he said he loves me more than anyone, and then there was that one episode where I made him cry and afterwards figured "now we're finally even".
  
  The only problem was, nothing had changed, and what was being said now was no different then what was being said then. The only reason it seemed different is because I was no longer the same naive, stupid, innocent, "never kissed a boy" little girl that I was back then, so a lot of it was in one ear and out the other with me. Except for the "you're my best friend and I love you" part. That I was still choosing to believe because that's what was suppose to fix everything and I guess I needed to believe it for everything to be "ok" again.
  
  You live, you learn. Some people don't change. Some people say things depending on their mood, on who's around at the moment, at who's currently paying attention to them, how many other friends they currently have, on their current self esteem level, etc. And while I believe he means the things he says when he's saying them and actually feels this way at the moment, the problem is, the feelings don't seem to be consistent, they don't seem to last, and whether or not we really are best friends appears to fluctuate as much as his mood and his self image. Like I said, nothing seems to have changed since we first met, other than I now take everything with a grain of salt and take my time to pick out the one grain of truth amongst all the bullshit that is being said.
  
  Maybe friendships like these work for some people. They don't work for me. If there is one thing I am consistent with in my life it is the people I am close to and care about, and that's the truth (seriously, I'm pretty inconsistent about everything and anything, except my feelings towards people. Hence degree I am doing nothing with and the billions of pojects I simultaneously start and don't finish). I know what it's like to be moody. I know what's it's like to be depressed as fuck, to be suicidal, to have a family life that leaves something to be desired. I know what it's like to be stressed out, to work full-time, go to school, and have to support yourself with little to no help from family or anyone else. I know what it's like to have your heart broke. But I've never let any of that dictate how I treat the ones I give a fuck about. Oh I can be unpleasant at times, I'm not denying that, but people know that if they need me, I'm there, regardless of what's going on in my personal life. These are the things I expect in return. These are the things I get from all my other "best" friends. These are the things I even got from Jason before all the shit happened. These are things I even get from aquaintances. These are things I only get from that other "friend" depending on the phase of the moon, the stock market, and the alignment of the planets. This is the same friend who claims he knows me better than anyone, who says he's closer to me than anyone. Yeah, ok. You don't know shit. You don't know the first thing about me, you never have, you never will.
  
  You are still the same person you were in highschool. The person who only gave me one single ride home in the year we spent in school together, the same year you declared I was the best friend you ever had. I never held that against you. I was too busy feeling sorry for you and making excuses for you. I've spent the years after that trying to believe you when you say you're no longer that same person. And while you have changed some things, and while externally you might seem like a different person, internally and for the things that matter, not much is different. I think what happened in September pretty much proved that point once and for all.
  
  I'm sorry. I wish I could say I still love you. That I'll always be there for you if you ever need me. But I don't feel much as far as you're concerned and I can't make any promises. This should probably make me sad, but it doesn't, and that is what makes me sad.
  
  I shouldn't blame you for some things, but I can't help it and I do, because like I said, the only reason I can find for the change in me, is you. I lost the best guy friend I ever had because of the psychotic person I became after getting involved with you and your psychosis. And while I can't put the blame of those two years of nonsense solely on having you in my life, I do know that the person I used to be would have handled things much differently, and while things might have still gone to hell one way or another, they would have gone to hell in a different, less psychotic way, a way I would have been able to handle better, and feel less stupid about. Of that I am sure.
  
  It's too bad it took me so long to finally come to terms with this and accept it.
  It's too bad more people than I care to mention had to see me acting like a freak.
  It's too bad I was too proud to admit it sooner and fix it then.
  It's too bad.
  
  If there is one thing I could go back and erase from my life it would be you. But even if time machines and all that existed, I still wouldn't know how to go about doing it, because the only way to accomplish it would be to get a different job that summer before senior year, and if that were to happen, there'd be no Jennie. That would be a real problem. And as ridiculous as it sounds, I wouldn't trade the "Jason and Friends" shit for anything in the world. That shit was hilarious and I will love those people forever. And I love Jennie. And then there's my top model to consider. You on the other hand, you and your condescending nature, I can do without.

  I'm bigger than you. I'm smarter than you. I'm more secure, more self-assured, and more stable than you. Yet somehow you always make me feel the complete opposite and then some. Maybe you do it purposely, maybe it's completely by accident, maybe it's some goal you've created in your head. I don't know, and I don't care, but it ends now.

  I'm sorry. I'm reall really really sorry.
  

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